Tag Archives: Breakup Recovery

D8 with Mikey, not Mike

There should be a warning label on email because opening email can be hazardous to your mental health. This was proven when I opened a missive sent by Mike.

Hey Craig- It’s Mike from Match.com. We spoke back in March, and we never had a date.                                 I’d like to fix that if you’re still on the market. Hope you are!

My gut reaction was that if a guy remembered me from eight months ago from an online dating profile I discontinued, I should give him a shot. After all, I did share my email address with him so I must have been somewhat interested.

So I gave him a shot.

Hi Mike- yes, I’m single and sure, I’d be happy to meet you for a drink!

I met Mike for a drink. He was a good-looking New Yorker with an interesting career and exceptionally well traveled. Like me, Mike was out of a long term relationship for a couple years and was open to pursuing a new commitment. He liked shopping at Lord and Taylor, uses his gym membership, and wouldn’t say no to a well-prepared burger.

And that’s where the similarities came to a screeching halt.

I was very happy to be on a date with someone that was not afraid of talking, but some of the things he was saying left me more frightened than visiting a haunted house filled with hungry zombies, a couple past dates and several Presidential candidates. Here’s a small sample of my fright night conversation.,,

I don’t date minorities- not a fan of their culture.

 I had this horrible date last week… an Israeli. I had no idea he was Jewish or I would have never gone on the date. Don’t date the Jews.

 I’m not a supporter of gay marriage- it’s not G-d’s will.

With each word spoken, Mike morphed into Mikey, the kid who hates everything.

As I continued to listen to his list of things he didn’t like, I couldn’t help but wonder how much fun he’d have celebrating Hanukkah with my friends and family, which include people with varied skin tones, accents and beliefs. I also wondered if he ever enjoyed Cuban food, sang along to a Four Tops song or thought about the federal and state taxation breaks that are extended to married couples. I had no choice but to respond, and did so in the kindest and most respectful way possible…

Well, Mike, I really don’t believe we have a lot in common. Marriage is my end game, I couldn’t imagine how boring my life would be without multicultural friends and exposure to their experiences, and like Bette Midler said in the movie “Stepford Wives”, I can spell “Big Jew” on my front lawn with pinecones.

Mikey’s date-ending response was short and sweet, delivered after taking a swig of his Bud Light.

 “It seems we’re on the same bridge, but in two separate cars going in opposite directions.”

I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the first time he said those words, and I highly doubt it will be the last.

You have to try a lot of cereal before you can find the right flavor and texture that will make your mornings perfect.
You have to try a lot of cereal before you can find the right flavor and texture that will make your mornings come to Life.

1Gr8Lesson

One aspect of dating that is not fun is the disappointment of a first date that doesn’t lead to a second. The disappointment that comes with not making a connection can cut you like a switchblade.

Disappointment, unfortunately, comes with the turf.

The reality of being on the dating scene is that you have to be ready to accept disappointment. You have to feel it and move on to the next opportunity. Just because you experienced a near miss frog kiss doesn’t mean that your mission to find the one is derailed by one lousy date. I’m sure Mikey from cereal commercials of yore had to endure several bowls of cereal before he found the one that gave Life.

When you’re on the dating scene, you’ve got to remember it’s a numbers game- the more you date, the chances increase that you’ll meet the one sooner than later. You can’t allow a series of bad dates discourage you because you really have no control over what your date is bringing to the table. What you can control is how you respond to the disappointment- don’t allow it to take hold of you and plan another date. Who knows… your next one might just be two scoops of greatness.

Advertisements

1FineArticle… SW Experts!

Kindly check out my latest article on SW Experts!  I’m sure you’ve had a friend or seen a celebrity that looks amazing after their break-up.  Do you think their transformation was based on revenge?  Or do you think their appearance is the result of the hard work they put into getting their life back?  Take a look and see my perspective!

Did a break-up lead you to a new look or new fitness routine?  Let me know!

And for updates, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter!  @CraigRogersNYC  And I’ll follow you back because I want to know all about your 1FineD8!

BREAK-UP-TO-BOMBSHELL-IS-IT-REALLY-REVENGE.png

BREAK-UP-TO-BOMBSHELL-IS-IT-REALLY-REVENGE

1FineArticle… SW Experts!

Kindly check out my latest article on SW Experts!  Ten must-do things to help you get past the break-up. The sooner you start with the Break-Up Band-Aid, the sooner you’ll heal and be back in the game!

Which of the ten is your favorite that helps the most?  Let me know!

And… be sure to follow me on Twitter for updates and more!  @CraigRogersNYC

the-break-up-band-aid

http://www.theswexperts.com/the-break-up-band-aid/

D8 with the Fitting Room Guy

Using online dating websites as a source for meeting eligible singles is, in theory, one of the best conveniences of modern time. Shopping for a potential date can now occur in the convenience of your home, or perhaps on the train as you commute into Manhattan. Online dating websites allow us to flirt while in our pajamas or in between meetings during the workday. Looking at profiles is really no different than looking at what color shorts are the must have summer fashion item from Lordandtaylor.com.

Online dating is as easy as buying a pair of shorts from Lordandtaylor.com, but what exactly is on the shopping list of the other online shoppers?

According to Match.com, Joel and I were a 100% match. After reading his profile, Joel reading mine, and the three-day marathon of texting and phone conversations we totally agreed. We really had only one difference- our favorite cardio activity. Joel was a runner. He runs almost daily, and participates in four marathons yearly. Whereas I, the man who saves running for train catching, am much more of a Spin Class guy. Joel would rather die than take a Spin Class. We agreed that our gym habits and physical training initiatives were not a deal breaker (and we each were grateful that we both saw importance in staying fit).

We met in Manhattan on a warm spring Saturday evening for dinner. So warm that when offered an outdoor table at one of my favorite French bistros, we jumped at it. Being with Joel was very refreshing. There was a level of excitement in the air because we were finally meeting, but overall the vibe was calm. The conversation flowed perfectly, much like the flow of people that turn off their computers opting to flow through the doors of Lord and Taylor on a Shopper’s Day sale.

From my favorite gougeres (cheesy poofs, but French!) to the perfectly cooked filet burger, the date was fantastic. As the date came to an end, there seemed to be a strange uneasiness that came over Joel. It was almost like he was laughing and having fun one moment, and then it was as if the gun fired to signal the beginning of a marathon and he was ready to hit the pavement. The end was abrupt, and not one bit reflective of the date. I was totally baffled by my goodbye with Joel- did I do something off-putting? Say something offensive?

The next morning I checked email, and there was a message from Joel…

Craig-  I really had a great time with you last night. You’re everything I though you’d be and more.  I haven’t  been honest with you. I’m not available to be in a relationship because I’m already in one. I thought I was ready to leave, but I’m not.  You’re going to make some very lucky man a fantastic partner- Joel

At least I know it wasn’t my breath.

We all want that perfect fit when it comes to 1FineD8
We all want that perfect fit when it comes to 1FineD8

1Gr8Lesson

I’ve given a lot of thought to what dating really is. Dating is part discovery, part fun and all interview. We’re spending time with someone to see if it’s a mutual fit that could have the durability to last a lifetime, like a good pair of Wellies. We use online dating as a tool because it’s easy, but there are many risks that come with it.

Your intention may be to see if you can find the one that’s a perfect fit. Their intention may be something totally different.

Joel wasn’t trying me on for a potential relationship. Joel was trying on what it would be like to be single again. From our conversations, he talked about his “Ex” in a rather unflattering way, providing many examples from chemical dependency to lack of affection. The descriptions alone were definitely reasons to end a relationship, which is what I thought Joel did quite some time ago. Unfortunately, Joel had not reached that point where he wanted to sever the cord that ties him to his partner.

On paper and in theory, Joel was a pretty perfect fit for me, but to him I was an experiment to see if being on the dating scene would be a fit.

Before the Joel-Bashing begins, we need to acknowledge that he did have the courage to come clean regarding the deception. It would have been nice if he would have done that prior to sharing a basket of gougeres, but at least he explained why he acted the way he did at the end of the date. He could have simply said that he didn’t feel a connection or that he downright didn’t like me. In the end, he chose the truth and I respect that. Knowing the truth certainly doesn’t diminish the sad feeling of “damn… and he was a good one too!”.

It does serve as a reminder to those of us that partake in online dating. Sure it’s easy, but sometimes what we order online doesn’t arrive on our doorstep in the right style, the right cut or the right fit. If those shorts from LordandTaylor.com don’t work for us, we simply return them, look online until we find something we like as much or better, and take our chances and click “pay”. We don’t take it personally; we just keep shopping.

We need to remember that the same rule applies to online dating.

1FineWebsite- swEXPERTS!

I’m so happy to announce that I’m contributing to a FANTASTIC website, swEXPERTS!  This UK-based site is a one-stop resource for all things relationship.  From processing a break-up to dating to sex, swEXPERTS is a fantastic place to learn some points of view that may just speak to you!

Here are links to my first three articles for swEXPERTS- please check them out and let me know what you think!  For updates, please follow me on Twitter (@craigrogersNYC) and swEXPERTS (@SWEXPERTS)!

Enjoy!

10Finger

http://www.theswexperts.com/the-ten-fingered-cheat/

PicImperfect

http://www.theswexperts.com/picture-imperfect/

time-machine

http://www.theswexperts.com/time-machine/

D8 with Goofy, Charming, Aladdin and Doc

It’s a world of laughter and a world of tears,
It’s a world of hopes, and a world of fears…

Let’s focus on the fear for a moment.

I recently had a date with a gentleman named Bart. He was a musician in his early fifties, well known in his industry and had a large circle of friends and collogues. While enjoying a cocktail at Ritz Bar and Lounge, a fantastic Midtown venue, the conversation flowed like a well-written song. We reached the topic of vacation destinations. Bart lit up like the Enchanted Castle at night as he told me of his one and only option.

“I only vacation at Disneyworld!” exclaimed Bart, as happy as one of the Dwarves when Snow White rings the dinner bell. “I’ve gone every year since I was 19!”

I did the math. At 53, Bart has been to Disneyworld 34 times.

Bart is one of the handfuls of men I have met lately that are obsessed with all things Disney. By obsessed, I mean these are men that can sing every lyric to every Disney song. Men who not just know the plot line of every Disney story, but also can tell you the scenery, costuming and year it was released on DVD. These are men that are the first to pre-order the DVD of Frozen and the last to leave the theatre when they see Aladdin… for the fourth time. And when it comes to vacation, you can bet Cinderella’s pumpkin coach that they’re on a flight to Orlando dreaming of their check-in at the Grand Floridian because last time they stayed at the Yacht Club.

From my past experience with DisneyHolics, I knew that I had to be exceptionally careful in my approach.

“It’s the only place you go to on vacation?” I asked.

“Absolutely! Why go anywhere else?” replied Bart. “The resorts have everything you could want. When were you there last?”

This is when I remembered… the Disney obsessed believe everyone has taken a hit of Tinker Bell’s Magic Fairy Dust and feels the exact same way about the Magic Kingdom.

“I’ve never been,” I said with a smile. I might as well have told Bart that I singlehandedly drowned a litter of kittens.

“That’s just stupid- how can you miss out on this? It’s magical!” he said with undying enthusiasm combined with just a shred of judgmental disgust. “Where do you like to vacation?”

“I love the beach. When I think Florida, I think Lauderdale,” was my honest answer.

“Eww. Don’t like the beach. It’s hot and dirty,” responded Bart. “If things work out with us, I’m taking you to Disneyworld.”

That was probably the scariest thing a date has ever suggested, and I’ve heard a lot of suggestions. Disney is just not my thing. It’s a fantastic necessity if you have children. Not being a parent, a Disney vacation has never been on my radar. And he was very quick to nix the idea of the beach and the idea of relaxing seaside or poolside working on a tan and enjoying that Golden Sun.

There is just one moon
and one golden sun.
And a smile means friendship to everyone…

Let’s focus on that friendship smile for the moment as I plan my date-exit strategy.

It turns out planning my exit strategy wasn’t necessary- all it took was my answer to the following question… “Have you seen Frozen?”

“No, I missed that one,” I replied.

There was almost no need for a verbal response from Bart. His reaction of shock, combined with disbelief and horror could only be paralleled to finding out that I made a coat from the kittens I killed earlier and wore it out barhopping with Lindsey Lohan.

“I really don’t think we have much in common, Craig,” replied Bart.

At last- Bart said something that I could get on board with 100%.

“I think you’re right, and that’s totally OK,” I said sporting that friendship smile.

And with that, the date was over. I decided to take advantage of the warm, fall evening and walk for a few blocks. I wasn’t the only one taking in the beauty of Manhattan on this warm fall night- many were hitting the streets just like me. Smiles and skyline everywhere I looked. I realized that I was already in my own Magic Kingdom and somewhere in this enchanted land my own beach loving, HGTV watching and bourbon drinking Prince Charming is waiting for me.

MM

1Gr8Lesson

Being different is one of great things that make humans human. Different looks, different likes and different opinions can really lead to not just a fine date, but also a spectacular relationship. There’s nothing more fun than sharing points of view, and sometimes your own point of view may change based on the insight that others provide. Sometimes, differences are learning opportunities, whereas sometimes the differences are obstacles.

Sometimes there’s just one difference too many.

A love for Disney- even one that borderlines obsession- is not the strongest example of a deal-breaker difference but was one for me nevertheless. In my case, I know I could never be the partner Bart needs because there’s no way I’m spending valuable vacation time in a Disney park on a yearly basis. There’s also no way I’m curling up on the couch with him on a snowy Saturday watching The Little Mermaid for the 18th time. And I’m sure he would be just as enthusiastic at the prospect of a beach week in Waikiki or a marathon of America’s Next Top Model or Pawn Stars.

Some differences are much more serious, involving religion, politics, and whether or not a marriage is in the cards. As a responsible dater with our eyes on the prize of a lasting relationship, we need to keep our eyes open to the differences that could be deal breakers.

When a difference becomes a roadblock, it’s best to take a detour and get a new map.

Think about the difference in question and ask yourself, “Is this something I can live with… every day.” If the answer is yes, then chances are it’s not the biggest difference after all.

If the answer is no, then ask yourself if the entire “body of work” this person brings to the table makes the difference something you can live with every day. If the answer is still no, then it’s time to move on.

We know the road to “Happily Ever After” isn’t going to be easy, but discovering major differences in the beginning and making decisions based on them early on is much easier than suffering the ramifications of eating a poisoned apple.

D8 with Two Dicks

Elizabeth Taylor married Dick twice. Samantha Stevens had one Darrin, but Elizabeth Montgomery worked with the two Dicks that played him. Even the 2014 Stanley Cup Final had two opposing Forwards, both were Richards. Without trying, I too had a date with Dick… and a date with Dick.

Let’s start with the second Dick and work our way back to the first…

Dick was a very nice man I met online. We chatted for a couple days, and planned a date for the weekend. Seeing that Dick was New Jersey based, I suggested we grab a glass of wine at Ferraro’s in Westfield, which is a great Italian restaurant with really good food. Dick was adamantly against Ferraro’s and anything in Westfield.

“Can’t do Westfield- my Ex lives there, and I don’t want us running into him,” explained Dick, who seemed to be very nervous by what’s in my opinion the perfect East Coast town.

“Ok… we can meet somewhere else. Where would you like to meet?” I replied.

“There’s a diner in Plainfield that’s nice. We can get cake.” was his response.

Not exactly my idea of a hip and happening location for a first date, but the idea of cake seemed to put Dick at ease. I met him the following night for cake, coffee and a very interesting conversation.

To say Dick was timid would be an understatement. He was very soft spoken, almost borderline meek. It was difficult to get him talking. I got him talking about his dog, his house, and a little about his career. The conversation really got interesting was when I asked him if he likes sports, and if he follows college football.

“Oh no, I don’t like football. Too rough. I do play tennis. My Ex and I played tennis a lot.”

And so it starts… why do people talk about their Ex on a first date with someone new?

Dick continued, “My Ex is a really good player. He played in college and almost went pro.”

With that, my inner Hardy Boy took over and I started to connect the dots. “Your Ex is a tennis player that lives in Westfield?” I asked.

“Oh God, did you sleep with my Ex?”

“No, pretty sure I can say no to that. Is his name Dick too?’
“Oh God, you DID sleep with him!”

This brings us to the first Dick.

“No Dick, I didn’t sleep with Dick,” I said, which made me start to giggle. “I’m sorry, it’s just kind of funny to me that I went on a date with your Ex, who’s also a Dick.” It probably didn’t help matters that I was still giggling.

“Oh, he sure is a dick!” said Dick.

“I went on a date with him early in the summer. Totally not a love connection, but he seemed like a nice guy.” And then I had to ask the question that 99% of the time only affects gay couples. It’s the very reason why I don’t plan to ever get involved with a Craig.

“When you guys were together, how in the hell did you deal with being Dick and Dick?”

“He’s crazy!” said Dick. “It’s very hard for me to talk to him, which is why I didn’t want to meet in Westfield and risk seeing him. And this isn’t the first time this has happened- everyone has had a date with Dick.”

Of course, that comment made me laugh, and again, I was not helping matters. Even though I was giggling, I really thought that Dick was going to breakdown in tears over Dick. He was visibly upset, and it was obvious that he was nowhere close to being over his Ex.

“Why does the topic of the Ex always come up on a first date?” asked a rather shaken up Dick.

“It doesn’t, Dick,” I replied. “There are so many topics that are in bounds for a first date, but the history you shared with someone else shouldn’t be on the field.”

Dick continued to lament about his failed relationship with Dick, sharing more information than anyone needed to know. It was evident that there was one too many Dicks at this table. I finished the last few bites of my lemon cake (which was actually pretty good considering it came from a big rotating cake cooler; the ones that really should be the New Jersey state mascot) and waived at our very nice waitress to bring the check.

Needless to say, there will not be a second date with Dick… or with Dick.

f8d1e66e32ae7ffb2a7787b98ec098c3

1Gr8Lesson

The major lesson learned in this not-so-fine date is one that a lot of daters have not mastered. When you have someone new sharing time with you, they want to know about YOU. They want to see if there’s a connection; a commonality that could lead to something more. Daters are looking for attraction.

On a first date, what is more of connection buster and less attractive than a conversation about an Ex?

I believe the “Case of the Two Dicks” might just give the answer. When I went on the date with Dick #1, he never mentioned his past relationships. Not once. We talked about sports, shopping and the fashion and music of the 80’s. It was fun and easy, but in the end, I didn’t find him attractive and there was simply no spark. Obviously from knowledge gained from Dick #2, his Ex is an active dater. I can safely assume that Dick #1 has successfully moved past his last relationship and is ready to embark on the next.

As for Dick #2, he is nowhere near ready to board the USS Next Relationship. His refusal to meet for a drink in Westfield due to his fear of seeing his Ex was the first sign. Dick’s reaction when I mentioned someone that happened to be the Ex in question sealed the deal- Dick isn’t over his past relationship.

I’ve given a lot of thought to whether or not any of us are ever truly over someone from our pasts. I believe in many ways our Exs have left a mark on our hearts and our brains forever. There’s a very big difference between being aware of the influences past relationships have given us, and being held hostage by the ghost of a past spouse or partner. Those of us that trend toward the former have their past relationship in a perspective that allows them to move forward. Those of us that trend toward the latter are the ones that bring up an Ex on a first date. Those of us that trend toward the latter probably need to re-evaluate their entry into the dating scene. Perhaps what’s holding them back from 1FineD8 is going on a date too soon.

Bottom line- don’t discuss your Ex on a first date. If your date brings up the subject of past relationships, simply don’t take the bait. Change the subject, and if your date persists, tell them that Gangnam Style was so last year too, and you’re not discussing that either.