Tag Archives: Infidelity

D8 with the Fitting Room Guy

Using online dating websites as a source for meeting eligible singles is, in theory, one of the best conveniences of modern time. Shopping for a potential date can now occur in the convenience of your home, or perhaps on the train as you commute into Manhattan. Online dating websites allow us to flirt while in our pajamas or in between meetings during the workday. Looking at profiles is really no different than looking at what color shorts are the must have summer fashion item from Lordandtaylor.com.

Online dating is as easy as buying a pair of shorts from Lordandtaylor.com, but what exactly is on the shopping list of the other online shoppers?

According to Match.com, Joel and I were a 100% match. After reading his profile, Joel reading mine, and the three-day marathon of texting and phone conversations we totally agreed. We really had only one difference- our favorite cardio activity. Joel was a runner. He runs almost daily, and participates in four marathons yearly. Whereas I, the man who saves running for train catching, am much more of a Spin Class guy. Joel would rather die than take a Spin Class. We agreed that our gym habits and physical training initiatives were not a deal breaker (and we each were grateful that we both saw importance in staying fit).

We met in Manhattan on a warm spring Saturday evening for dinner. So warm that when offered an outdoor table at one of my favorite French bistros, we jumped at it. Being with Joel was very refreshing. There was a level of excitement in the air because we were finally meeting, but overall the vibe was calm. The conversation flowed perfectly, much like the flow of people that turn off their computers opting to flow through the doors of Lord and Taylor on a Shopper’s Day sale.

From my favorite gougeres (cheesy poofs, but French!) to the perfectly cooked filet burger, the date was fantastic. As the date came to an end, there seemed to be a strange uneasiness that came over Joel. It was almost like he was laughing and having fun one moment, and then it was as if the gun fired to signal the beginning of a marathon and he was ready to hit the pavement. The end was abrupt, and not one bit reflective of the date. I was totally baffled by my goodbye with Joel- did I do something off-putting? Say something offensive?

The next morning I checked email, and there was a message from Joel…

Craig-  I really had a great time with you last night. You’re everything I though you’d be and more.  I haven’t  been honest with you. I’m not available to be in a relationship because I’m already in one. I thought I was ready to leave, but I’m not.  You’re going to make some very lucky man a fantastic partner- Joel

At least I know it wasn’t my breath.

We all want that perfect fit when it comes to 1FineD8
We all want that perfect fit when it comes to 1FineD8

1Gr8Lesson

I’ve given a lot of thought to what dating really is. Dating is part discovery, part fun and all interview. We’re spending time with someone to see if it’s a mutual fit that could have the durability to last a lifetime, like a good pair of Wellies. We use online dating as a tool because it’s easy, but there are many risks that come with it.

Your intention may be to see if you can find the one that’s a perfect fit. Their intention may be something totally different.

Joel wasn’t trying me on for a potential relationship. Joel was trying on what it would be like to be single again. From our conversations, he talked about his “Ex” in a rather unflattering way, providing many examples from chemical dependency to lack of affection. The descriptions alone were definitely reasons to end a relationship, which is what I thought Joel did quite some time ago. Unfortunately, Joel had not reached that point where he wanted to sever the cord that ties him to his partner.

On paper and in theory, Joel was a pretty perfect fit for me, but to him I was an experiment to see if being on the dating scene would be a fit.

Before the Joel-Bashing begins, we need to acknowledge that he did have the courage to come clean regarding the deception. It would have been nice if he would have done that prior to sharing a basket of gougeres, but at least he explained why he acted the way he did at the end of the date. He could have simply said that he didn’t feel a connection or that he downright didn’t like me. In the end, he chose the truth and I respect that. Knowing the truth certainly doesn’t diminish the sad feeling of “damn… and he was a good one too!”.

It does serve as a reminder to those of us that partake in online dating. Sure it’s easy, but sometimes what we order online doesn’t arrive on our doorstep in the right style, the right cut or the right fit. If those shorts from LordandTaylor.com don’t work for us, we simply return them, look online until we find something we like as much or better, and take our chances and click “pay”. We don’t take it personally; we just keep shopping.

We need to remember that the same rule applies to online dating.

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D8 with Someone Else’s Someone

The song that’s repeating in my head is from Bette Midler’s album, Thighs and Whispers. It’s called Married Men.

    The world is filled with married men,
    with wives that never understand.
    They do it. Do it. Do it.

The married men of 1978 differ somewhat from their 2015 counterparts. With the 1978 version, you kind of know what you’re getting, whereas the 2015 version has diversified his brand, covering a variety of scenarios requiring explanation to today’s dater. Does today’s married man have a wife? A husband? Maybe he has an open marriage? Perhaps he’s separated, living under the same roof as his ex, and the divorce hasn’t been settled yet. Possibly he’s a retro 1978 version- his spouse has no clue he’s seeking extra-curricular activities with a new someone.

The one commonality between married men of 1978 and 2015 is that they’re looking for action, and the decision whether or not to play is yours.

Thanks to a Tinder match, I met Jackson. He was very tall, very Texan and exceptionally charming. Meeting Jackson for a coffee was a no-brainer, and we set a coffee date in the first fifteen minutes of our online chat.

I was very excited to meet him at Starbucks, and when he stood up to greet me from the table he secured, he lived up to every stereotype of Texas- Jackson was larger than life. At 6’4” with hands the size of a west Texas ranch and a smile brighter than the Dallas skyline at noon, his handshake was one of the most memorable I’ve ever experienced.

Our conversation got off to a great start. Jackson’s charm online converted to real time in spades. We had lots of laughs right out of the gate. After the typical first date questions of “How was your day?” and “How long have you lived in Manhattan?”, I asked Jackson what he likes to do in his spare time. I wasn’t quite prepared for his answer…

“Well, I’m married,” said Jackson. “My wife knows, and I told her that I will leave her once I find the man I want to build a life with. All I have to do is find a man who will be committed to me and is willing to wait until I end my marriage and explain to my kids that I’m gay.”

In his spare time he was married? The only thing going through my head was Bette Midler taking me back to 1978 with her beautiful smile, trademark boobs and perfectly written lyrics …

    He promises to marry you
    Yeah, just as soon as his divorce comes through.
    Whoa, it’s not just a fling
    He swears, it’s the real thing

I quickly returned to 2015 to respond to Jackson. “I never thought of marriage as a spare time activity. Interesting. So you’re looking for a man to commit to you, when you’re not in the position to commit to them?”

“That’s right, until I can get a divorce. Then we can be together, but I have to be convinced that he will be there for me once I’m out of my marriage.”

At that point, I remembered some advice from The Devine Miss M…

    Now listen, they’re hungry.
    Don’t trust a married man,
    Oh, the world is full of them.

Everything is bigger in Texas, and it seems that with this date, the only thing bigger than the Texas-sized disappointment was the Texas-sized line of bullshit that was served up next to my Venti Mocha Latte. I stood up, grabbed my coat with my left hand and my Venti with my right and was out of there faster than an approaching dust storm in Lubbock.

I wasn’t going to play.

Ringer

1Gr8Lesson

If you’re deciding whether or not you want to pursue a relationship with someone else’s someone, you need to be aware of the following:

1. Be ready to spend New Year’s Eve alone and Valentine’s Day on February 13th. You will never get custody of him for major holidays because his social calendar is booked with the one that wears his ring.

2. The odds aren’t in your favor regarding the building of a future with this person because he’s already painted in someone else’s picture.

3. Be on the ready for a confrontation by someone from the spouse’s camp or from the spouse themselves- the potential from going from “secret” to “target” are quite high.

4. If things actually work out with your married date and he does get that divorce and begins a life with you, there’s a very good chance that he’ll stay with you until he finds someone else that he wants to build a life with. He successfully did it once before; he might just try it again and you will always wonder…

If your goal is a monogamous relationship, you need to remember that when pursuing someone else’s someone, you’re positioning yourself to always be in second place.

When it comes to my next relationship, I’m not interested in scoring a Silver Medal. My eye is on the top tier of the podium, and there’s only enough room in that golden spot for two. Getting involved with someone else’s someone isn’t going to get me to where I want to be, which is why I choose not to entertain the idea of dating a married guy.

But for some, perhaps they don’t want what is perceived by most as a conventional relationship. There are lots of people that are quite happy with an “arrangement” or open relationship or even a polyamorous relationship. If that’s the case, pursue away.

If that’s what you want, then you should have no worries finding a married man. The world is full of them.