Tag Archives: Dating Fail

D8 with the Man without a Face

#Date, #dating, #datingadvice, #datingandage, #datingfail, #datingprofile, #datingvideo, #Eharmony, #firstdate, #firstdateadvice, #JDate, #match.com, #okcupid, #onlinedating, #relationshipadvice, #relationships, #Tinder, #TinderFail, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Photos play an integral part in online dating success, and the photo of “Ed” left a lot to be desired. I could see a camel, a lot of sand and a little spot of a man riding the camel. It was the only picture “Ed” posted in his very well written profile. Because of his ability with words, I decided I would respond to his email.

“Ed” was a good conversationalist in the online chat, however he seemed to be very guarded and rather nervous. My experience told me that when a man exhibits extreme cautious communication, he’s most likely in a relationship and looking for some side action. “Ed” swore he was single; his challenge is that he is deeply closeted. His guard was up stronger than the Royal Guard on point at Buckingham Palace. In spite of holding his cards closely, I learned that we did have some things in common and he was within the age range of my dating pool.

Is the fact that “Ed” was so deeply in the closet a reason not to go on a date with him?

I agreed to meet him for a drink at the rooftop at the Peninsula, one of my favorite hotel bars in Manhattan. The spot of a man riding a camel turned out to be quite dashing, complete with a winning, welcoming smile. The conversation with “Ed” was very pedestrian- travel, food, and Manhattan neighborhoods. Nothing too deep, until I decided to grab my trusty shovel.

“So “Ed”, you seem to be rather guarded. Witness protection, huh?”

“Oh no… I’m just not out. Nobody knows I’m gay,” he responded with a nervous chuckle.

“You might be surprised. Good looking single man in his 50s can set off the “bet he’s gay” alarm”, I responded. “Besides, it really doesn’t matter because you’re on a gay dating site and it’s 2016 so there’s really no reason to be fearful.”

“I disagree. People think I’m straight, and I like that.”

“I see. And you like that. Is your name really “Ed”?”

He didn’t answer, which I believe was an answer. “Ed” didn’t budge in his resolve; he set up residency in his closet and he wasn’t coming out for me or for anyone.

an illustration of a faceless man in a business suit
Putting your best face forward on a date means allowing your date to see you both inside and out.

I FineLesson

As we wrap up Pride Month, it makes me sad that there are some gay people out there that still can’t publicly own the fact that they’re gay. It makes me sad to acknowledge that there are some people- regardless of sexual orientation- that aren’t fully embracing the magic that is them. It just makes me sad that people don’t embrace their own personal truth, whatever that truth may be.

If we can’t love ourselves, how can we fully expect to find someone to love us?

I know I’m sounding a little like RuPaul, but it’s a message that needs constant repeating. When beginning your journey in the dating scene, you need to do so with a full arsenal. By that, daters need to enter the arena knowing with certainty that they’re already in love with themselves. Daters need to embrace every facet of themselves, from their looks to their career. Self-love leads to confidence, and confidence is key.

Dating is really no different than selling. You’ve got to believe in the product that is you, or you’re going to remain on the shelf.

“Ed” obviously doesn’t fully believe in his product. He doesn’t accept himself on a basic level, and with that he will likely remain alone on the long term. Unless he finds someone identical in mindset, I believe he will likely remain single.

My hope is that all daters believe in the product that is them. Believe it so much that you deeply want to shout it from a rooftop. Trust me, it may take some time, but the perfect customer will hear.

D8 with The Man Who Cried Uncle

#Date, #dating, #datingadvice, #datingfail, #firstdate, #firstdateadvice, #relationshipadvice, #relationships, Uncategorized, , , , , , , ,

There’s nothing better than a fix-up date. It’s like going to a potluck dinner in Ohio… you have no idea what you’re going to get but chances are the recipes include bacon and cheddar so it can’t be all that bad. When my friend Tammy introduced me to Thierry, I was intrigued by the accent for sure. His look wasn’t one that I really find attractive (you know… that gaunt “I just escaped a foreign prison” look), but he had a nice smile and was friendly. It did, however, take him a moment to put down his wine glass to shake my hand.

We met at a dinner my friend was hosting, so it was a scenario of “Craig meet Thierry, Thierry meet Craig… and here’s a glass of red and the appetizers are right here.”

Whether I liked it or not, I was going to be spending the next few hours with Thierry.

Appetizers preceded a very tasty soup, which led to an amazingly prepared dinner. I had no idea exactly how much wine Thierry had to drink prior to being presented with a meal that rivaled anything on the cover of Food and Wine. What was noticeable was that he was quite smashed. Of course, what does a smashed guy do? Keep drinking. He was more interested in drinking than contributing to the conversation, which ran the gamut from Manhattan real estate to yea or nay on Manolos for a first interview to the versatility of fruit. I learned that fruit was more versatile than I ever imagined. Thierry had no comments on any of these topics, not even on the fruit.

The dinner conversation was a lot of fun, partly because of the other guests and partly because I purposely didn’t sit next to the red wine infused fix-up. Overall, Thierry was a pleasant enough of a guy. Again, he didn’t contribute much to the conversation, but that all changed when the topic turned to relationships. That’s when Thierry decided to let loose.

“None of you have relationships. You just fuck around. You’re fooling yourselves. I’m done looking for love. DONE!” said Thierry as he poured more red in his glass. “Everybody is fake. Nobody is real. Tell me something… when was the last time one of the men you fuck actually did something romantic for you? Tell me!”

It was one of those moments you wished you were back at a potluck in Ohio, where nobody’s overtly drunk and the most awkward question is “Did you vote for Kasich?”.

At this point, it seemed to be an unspoken consensus between the rest of the table that ignoring Thierry was the new bill of fare. Nobody answered his question. I felt bad for our host and the other guests because this drunken giver-upper on love basically called us all sluts with no substance. I really wanted to ask him when the last time was that he did something romantic for someone else, but we all know that rational communication is impossible for drunks. And I’m willing to bet that in relationships, the only thing Thierry would give his partner was a bottle opener if the partner was lacking.

For the remainder of the night, Thierry kept quiet as he continued to drink. Once in a while he would utter something, but it was impossible to understand. Sloppy, unattractive and a really bad guest were just a few descriptors that came to mind as I watched him sit there on the verge of a full fledged pass-out.

When the evening came to an end, I did my best Edward R. Murrow and said, “Good night… and good luck.” as I walked behind Thierry.

He didn’t respond- he just took another sip of wine.

Uncle
Don’t be so quick to cry Uncle… tomorrow is another day, and another date!

1FineLesson

A reminder of the importance of a two drink maximum while on a date was never better illustrated. Granted, this wasn’t a “date”, but similar rules of decorum apply when in the home of a friend. I have no reason to believe that Thierry and a bottle behave no differently in any social situation.

The real lesson was found in looking straight into the eyes of the agony of defeat. Seeing that look of utter sadness; the expression of being beaten down by the lack of finding love. It was actually quite sad.

Life is all about choice. Even in the worst of situations, a positive person will realize that it’s only for now and will keep walking- if not running- to the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s what strong people do. Choosing to make lemonade when given a bushel of lemons takes work and grit, as opposed to the easier option of staring down the bushel in anger and despair as the lemons rot. Thierry chose the latter- he cried uncle and gave up.

Turning a negative into a positive takes determination. Are you up for the task?

We all have bad dates, good dates that never call for seconds, and other dating disappointments along the road. What we do with them and how we process the experience says volumes about us. If you stay the race and keep your eye on the prize, you’re sure to win.

There will be days you’ll want to throw in the towel and give up. Don’t do it.

Our friends at NASA said it best… failure is not an option. Five simple words to live by in all facets of life, especially while on your quest for 1FineD8.

D8 with Mikey, not Mike

#cereal, #Date, #dating, #datingadvice, #datingandage, #datingfail, #datingprofile, #firstdate, #firstdateadvice, #JDate, #marriage, #match.com, #onlinedating, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

There should be a warning label on email because opening email can be hazardous to your mental health. This was proven when I opened a missive sent by Mike.

Hey Craig- It’s Mike from Match.com. We spoke back in March, and we never had a date.                                 I’d like to fix that if you’re still on the market. Hope you are!

My gut reaction was that if a guy remembered me from eight months ago from an online dating profile I discontinued, I should give him a shot. After all, I did share my email address with him so I must have been somewhat interested.

So I gave him a shot.

Hi Mike- yes, I’m single and sure, I’d be happy to meet you for a drink!

I met Mike for a drink. He was a good-looking New Yorker with an interesting career and exceptionally well traveled. Like me, Mike was out of a long term relationship for a couple years and was open to pursuing a new commitment. He liked shopping at Lord and Taylor, uses his gym membership, and wouldn’t say no to a well-prepared burger.

And that’s where the similarities came to a screeching halt.

I was very happy to be on a date with someone that was not afraid of talking, but some of the things he was saying left me more frightened than visiting a haunted house filled with hungry zombies, a couple past dates and several Presidential candidates. Here’s a small sample of my fright night conversation.,,

I don’t date minorities- not a fan of their culture.

 I had this horrible date last week… an Israeli. I had no idea he was Jewish or I would have never gone on the date. Don’t date the Jews.

 I’m not a supporter of gay marriage- it’s not G-d’s will.

With each word spoken, Mike morphed into Mikey, the kid who hates everything.

As I continued to listen to his list of things he didn’t like, I couldn’t help but wonder how much fun he’d have celebrating Hanukkah with my friends and family, which include people with varied skin tones, accents and beliefs. I also wondered if he ever enjoyed Cuban food, sang along to a Four Tops song or thought about the federal and state taxation breaks that are extended to married couples. I had no choice but to respond, and did so in the kindest and most respectful way possible…

Well, Mike, I really don’t believe we have a lot in common. Marriage is my end game, I couldn’t imagine how boring my life would be without multicultural friends and exposure to their experiences, and like Bette Midler said in the movie “Stepford Wives”, I can spell “Big Jew” on my front lawn with pinecones.

Mikey’s date-ending response was short and sweet, delivered after taking a swig of his Bud Light.

 “It seems we’re on the same bridge, but in two separate cars going in opposite directions.”

I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the first time he said those words, and I highly doubt it will be the last.

You have to try a lot of cereal before you can find the right flavor and texture that will make your mornings perfect.
You have to try a lot of cereal before you can find the right flavor and texture that will make your mornings come to Life.

1Gr8Lesson

One aspect of dating that is not fun is the disappointment of a first date that doesn’t lead to a second. The disappointment that comes with not making a connection can cut you like a switchblade.

Disappointment, unfortunately, comes with the turf.

The reality of being on the dating scene is that you have to be ready to accept disappointment. You have to feel it and move on to the next opportunity. Just because you experienced a near miss frog kiss doesn’t mean that your mission to find the one is derailed by one lousy date. I’m sure Mikey from cereal commercials of yore had to endure several bowls of cereal before he found the one that gave Life.

When you’re on the dating scene, you’ve got to remember it’s a numbers game- the more you date, the chances increase that you’ll meet the one sooner than later. You can’t allow a series of bad dates discourage you because you really have no control over what your date is bringing to the table. What you can control is how you respond to the disappointment- don’t allow it to take hold of you and plan another date. Who knows… your next one might just be two scoops of greatness.

D8 with the Snazzy Sweater

#Date, #dating, #datingadvice, #datingfail, #firstdate, #firstdateadvice, #JDate, #match.com, #relationships, , , , , , , , , , ,

At the beginning of Summer, I made the decision and the suggestion to consider taking a break from online dating and try to meet people in “real life, in-person situations”. Summer has turned to Autumn and as I slowly trade my shorts for my sweaters, I’m continuing the offline mission.

A recent Friday night of mine was booked with Jackson. I met this man at Gym Bar, a Manhattan hangout complete with a pool table, televisions set to sports channels and men in outfits ranging from suits to workout attire. When it comes to meeting a diverse group of men, a gay sports bar is a sure ticket that will hopefully lead to Dateville.

Jackson definitely stood out in a crowd. With a full beard and standing at 6’5”, Jackson was an eye catcher, and a poster child for lumberjack hotness. We had a nice conversation- definitely not the flirtiest or the funniest- but it was nice conversation. Maybe it was the sparkle in his eye or maybe the hint of a Southern accent, but there was something definitely interesting about him. He asked me to dinner, and of course my answer was yes.

As I was walking on that crisp Friday night to the restaurant to meet him, I thought about our past conversation. I could remember very little…. was this a bad sign?

Jackson was every bit as handsome as I remembered. And tall… very, very tall. We sat down, ordered our meal, and the waiter walking away was our cue to begin an exciting and stimulating conversation. Within two minutes I was bored.

I made several attempts to get the conversation going. “Tell me about your job”… “What are your favorite things to do in Manhattan?”… “Any fun summer vacations?”… His answers to all were rather dull, lacking enthusiasm and personality.

It wasn’t until I asked “How long have you lived in New York?” that things got somewhat interesting. Jackson arrived in the 90’s too, and this took our conversation to Manhattan of the 90’s, which is always interesting to me. We talked about restaurants like Universal Bar and Grill and bars like Splash and Private Eyes. When I mentioned Club USA, he smiled and said that he was a bouncer there.

Figures he was a bouncer- tall, good-looking and a man of very few words.

When the waiter asked if we wanted to try one of their pumpkin spice desserts, I said no and asked for the check. We paid and left. Jackson gave me hug and headed East and I made my way Uptown. It wasn’t said, but like the cool breeze that was bringing Fall to Manhattan, it was obvious that this was in no way a love connection.

Lots of sweaters from which to choose... sometimes you have to try on several before finding the perfect fit.
Lots of sweaters from which to choose… Sometimes you have to try on several before finding the perfect fit.

1Gr8Lesson

Dating is a lot like shopping for sweaters. Sometimes we see a wool sweater with a fantastically attractive design. It beckons us to try it on, and when we do we discover the sweater fits a little on the baggy side. Then we spot a nice blue V-neck, a total classic yet simple staple that never goes out of style.

Do we walk by the V-neck or do we give it a chance?

I wanted a date with Jackson just because he was great looking. I was guilty of trying on the amazing sweater, and at the time I made no apologies for it. I still make no apologies, even though my choice in sweater made me itch from boredom. By choosing the great looking Jackson, it made me wonder if I overlooked a sweater that might not have been as snazzy but may have been more my style.

It’s easy to get caught up in the exterior appearance of a potential date. Who wouldn’t want to walk into a party with a model or an athlete? The challenge is finding that person with the external looks that jazz us, but also with the smarts and the heart that keeps us interested.

The next time you’re “date shopping”- be it online or out in the field, keep in mind the whole package of a potential date. Maybe your future date is the snazzy sweater, or perhaps if you keep looking through the displays you’ll find that classic V-neck that’s just the right fit.

D8 with General Eisenhower

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I admit it… I’m a Meghan Trainor fan. Her songs have that retro 50’s vibe that just takes you back to a happy Fonzie-filled home-baked cakey place. Her cover of Like I’m Gonna Lose You with John Legend is sure to be the love song of choice this New Year’s Eve.

I’m a pretty nostalgic guy, and when it comes to relationships I definitely gravitate towards a partner that values family, fidelity and what it means to be a good friend. Those 1950’s standards of behavior are paramount to me, and my hope is that I find a partner that holds the same beliefs. When I met Tony at Gym Bar in Manhattan, I could tell in the first 20 minutes of conversation that he was cut from the same Atomic Era cloth. When it was time to leave, I asked him to dinner the following night.

Having a date with a 21st century man with mid-20th century sensibilities… what could possibly go wrong?

We decided to have a New Jersey-based dinner date because Tony was a born and bred Jersey Boy who has never lived outside of Bergen County. I already knew that he came from a big Italian family, and he shared over those first drinks that they want him to “get married already”. Hearing that, it was no surprise that Tony would ask me my “intentions” when it came to dating and what my idea of a perfect relationship entailed. Before I could swallow my swig of Merlot, Tony decided to answer his own question.

He began performing his cover of Dear Future Husband, but his lyrics were slightly different:

  • I want a picket fence, suburban life. Manhattan terrifies me.
  • You will never go to a bar alone or with your friends, there’s too much temptation to cheat.
  • We could go to a bar together, but I prefer not. Sports bar? Never!
  • A regimented life is best; Monday is laundry night, Tuesday is movie night, Wednesday night is…

I forget the rest of the days of the week because I was more horrified than a teenaged camper being chased by Freddie Krueger. I was going to tell him that temptation, if desired, can be found at a grocery store or a funeral home, but Tony continued singing…

  • If you want to see your friends, you can invite them over for dinner- you cook. You’ll cook a lot.
  • When you leave work, you come straight home unless you tell me first.
  • I come from a big family and all holidays will be spent with them.
  • We can host Game Night for our friends!

It was that moment when my present date’s desire for an Eisenhower-era relationship of the past became my potential prison warden of the future.

At the end of his song, I did something I’ve never done on a date. I started with a little startled jump, then reached into my pocket and retrieved my cell phone. I looked at it, made a face of horror (considering the situation was simple to pull off) and faked a text message.

“Oh no… Damn! Brinks just texted and my alarm went off at the house. I need to go.”

And with that, I escaped the potential jail cell called a relationship with Tony.

Ricky Ricardo was a 50's man who could cook and croon, and his wife didn't control his every move.
Ricky Ricardo was a 50’s man who could cook and croon, and his wife didn’t control his every move.  Nor did he control hers.

 

1FineLesson

Any of us with an EX would most likely say that “if we knew then what we know now, we would have never gone on a second date with the schmuck”. Some say that you really don’t know a potential mate until you’re at least a year into the relationship. Others say it actually takes longer. By putting his cards on the table straight out of the gate, I learned that his idea of a perfect retro relationship didn’t jive with mine. Tony spared me a future break-up speech I surely would have given down the road.

Dating should be fun. Dating should be interesting. Dating should be sexy. Dating is a vetting process- no shoulds about it.

As a basic rule of thumb, I suggest the first couple dates be fun, casual and flirty. Of course you’ll learn some things during these dates, but the important thing you’re learning is if there’s mutual attraction and chemistry. If those dates give the green light for more dates, then you’ll start to learn the things I learned on my first date with Tony.

And if their love song of what a relationship is to them doesn’t harmonize with yours, there are plenty of other singers on the radio. You’ll find the right recording artist and you’ll make a fantastic album together!

D8 with the Trigger Finger

#breakup, #breakuprecovery, #Date, #dating, #datingadvice, #datingfail, #datingprofile, #firstdate, #JDate, #match.com, #relationshipadvice, #relationships, #Tinder, #TinderFail, Breakup Advice, Breakups, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Mickey Roark and Kim Basinger showed us that you can really jam a lot into 9½ Weeks. I recently learned firsthand how possible it is to fit quite a bit into that time frame, however I can safely say that Mickey (as John) and Kim (as Elizabeth) had a much better time.

It’s always a good thing to have a summer boyfriend, and Gregory entered my picture in late April- precisely the right time to make that goal happen. He was unlike anyone I’ve ever dated… the stereotype of the jaded New Yorker. A little on the quiet side, a lot on the grumpy side, but when he smiled he lit up the room. I really enjoyed spending time with Gregory because under the hard exterior was a soft creamy center that was wanting to see the light of day.

About two weeks into dating, Gregory suggested we be exclusive. I was totally down with that, seeing that I know my shortcomings and juggling isn’t one of my strong suits. With two weeks down and exclusivity on the table, I figured I accomplished the impossible… I scored a summer boyfriend!

With time comes knowledge, and as the days turned into weeks, I learned a lot about Gregory. Some great things, and some not so great things about this funny grumpster came to light.

When it comes to learning about the not so great things about your date, how do you handle it when the bad outweighs the good?

As three weeks turned into seven, Gregory started to be a little more grumpy and a lot less funny. He became more of a homebody and less interested in exploring the fun offerings of a New York summer. As seven weeks turned into nine, he was barely interested in doing anything, and conversational topics were always with a negative slant. Be it the news or his career, nothing seemed to make Gregory smile that winning smile that one me over weeks before.

Let’s be honest, in nine weeks Gregory learned things about me he didn’t like either. He hated my work schedule, and the fact I was a dedicated workaholic that enjoys being busy. He didn’t like my perkiness in the morning, and that my perkiness tended to increase with each cup of Starbucks I enjoyed during the day. He really disliked my desire to enjoy a cigarette or ten, even though I never smoked in front of him.

And let’s be honest about one more thing… I knew it was time to pull the trigger and part ways with Gregory. The “how” was the tedious part.

Thankfully Gregory pulled the trigger first. Over a beer in a bar, he said that we shouldn’t see each other. Granted, I was rather surprised he pulled the trigger first because taking initiative wasn’t one of his strong suits since week two of our relationship. I wished him the best of luck and bolted.

As I walked away I knew he wasn’t like John in 9½ Weeks in many ways, but specifically in wanting me to turn around in 50 seconds. The only person that wanted me to keep walking more than Gregory was actually me.

I was definitely not Elizabeth. Not a tear was shed as I walked on that lively Manhattan street. I smiled to myself, knowing that I had what it takes to invest in a new relationship, but also had the smarts not to settle for a someone that’s the wrong one.

Pulling the trigger may end something, but it signifies the beginning of your new search for 1FineD8!
Pulling the trigger may end something, but it signifies the beginning of your new search for 1FineD8!

1FineLesson

Kenny Rogers said it best… “You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em. Know when to fold ’em.  Know when to walk away, and know when to run.”

As we begin a relationship journey with a prospective “forever partner”, the learning process is one that’s longer than just ten dates. It may even be longer than ten months. The process of discovering the intricacies and building a bond with someone is an important one that shouldn’t be shortchanged. It’s not like test driving a car or trying on a shirt. This process is one that you’re entering into with lifetime intentions.

As we learn more and more about a prospective life mate, it’s without question that we’ll discover aspects that don’t thrill us. We will see them grumpy, sad and even sometimes under the weather- things typically not experienced on the first few dates. We will see how they handle stress, celebrate joy, and if they leave the toothpaste cap open or closed. We will learn how they interact with their friends and family, and we’ll get to hear how they interact with strangers as they meet your friends and family.

Here’s the challenge… how many of those “not so great aspects” does it take to create a “not so great partner”?

This is where I have no concrete answer for you because it’s an answer that only you can determine. There will always be things about our partners that irritate us, but at the end of the day, their body of work supersedes the handful of things we don’t like. But if those not so great things outweigh the positives, then you have no choice to make like the Gambler and walk away.

And don’t make the mistake of thinking that walking away is a defeat.  

You gave it your all, and if you didn’t invest the time in the person you would never know if they were or were not the one. I don’t look at my 9½-week investment in Gregory as time poorly spent or a colossal mistake. It was a necessary thing to see if he was someone with which I could build a future. He wasn’t, and pulling the trigger is the ticket to finding a new someone that will make my heart go “bang”!

1FineArticle… Smarter Dating!

#Date, #dating, #datingadvice, #datingfail, #datingprofile, #firstdate, #JDate, #match.com, #onlinedating, #Tinder, #TinderFail, , , , , , , , ,

Check out the article I wrote for Smarter Dating!

Has your date earned a 4-F classification? Find out what a 4-F is,  and get some ideas as to how you respond!

Let me know how you’ve handled a 4-F!

http://www.smarterdating.co.uk/encountering-the-4-f-date/

D8 with Dr. Kavorkian

#dachshunds, #Date, #dating, #datingadvice, #datingfail, #datingprofile, #firstdate, #JDate, #match.com, #onlinedating, #relationships, #Tinder, #TinderFail, , , , , , , , , ,

I confess… one standout in Paul’s JDate profile was that he owned a shoe company. Besides being cute, he was involved in something I love almost as much as shirts. And I also confess that besides his work in an industry where I would gladly accept samples or a substantial discount, he seemed like a perfect date for me. I sent him a message of interest, and he responded immediately. Plans for a drink were promptly made.

Now that I was going on a date with the Shoe Guy, what shoes should I wear?

I agreed to meet at a cute bar in the West Village. Paul was very handsome; his pictures didn’t do him one bit of justice. We ordered a couple beers and started a very fun conversation. In a short amount of time, we discussed our high school years (he was totally Blaine in Pretty in Pink), our college years (he was totally Pinto in Animal House) and what our overall New York experience has been (and mine was by far much more interesting). Of course, we talked about shoes. He liked my Cole-Haan loafers.

We were laughing and never missing a beat in the conversation except to order another round of beers. About an hour into our date, Paul asked me about travel. He said that he loves visiting Europe and Asia for work, but he’d rather be on a beach. Just one more thing we had in common.

“So where was your last vacation?” Paul asked. “Wow… I guess it was last month when loaded the boys in the car and drove to visit my parents in Pinehurst.” I responded.

With that, our conversation missed a beat… actually two heartbeats.

“You have kids?” asked a puzzled Paul. I was even more puzzled at the question, as my profile says I have no kids, but I do have two dachshunds.

“Only of the furry variety. I have two dachshunds”

“Oh… I had no idea you had dogs.”

“I mention them in my profile. Didn’t you see that?”

“Hmmm…. guessed I missed that.”

And with that, the shoe dropped. It was the first silent moment of our date. I took a really big sip of my beer, before I eliminated the silence and asked the next question. “I take it you don’t like dogs?” There was nothing that could prepare me for his answer.

“How old are yours, and what is the life expectancy of a dachshund?”

I think at that moment I might have had a mini stroke, not that I need any neurological reason or excuse to explain my lack of censorship in my speech.

“You didn’t just fucking ask me that.”

At this point the shoe man was shaking in his boots. “Well…. I’m not a fan of dogs,” he said. Not everyone likes dogs, and that’s ok, but to bring up life expectancy to one who does is a fatal error when that one is your date.

“Well I’m not a fan of planning their cremation. I did that once in the last year already, and I’m hopefully done for a while.”

“You had THREE?” he asked, seemingly in shock that some people do own more than one dog. At that point I was done with answers, done with questions, and done with Paul.

“You know, Paul, I’m really glad you liked my pictures, but I’m a little sad that you didn’t really read my profile… or at least comprehend what you read.”

And with that, I walked out of the cute West Village bar. I couldn’t help but smile thinking about how I would be soon greeted with wagging tails, licks and barks by my two little guys who aren’t really into shoes.

We were here first, and we're not going anywhere!
We were here first, and we’re not going anywhere!

1Gr8Lesson

Dachshunds are short, and so it the lesson of this not so fine date…

If you’re using an online dating site as a tool to meet people, read their profile. If you like them, make like Santa Claus and check out the profile twice!

It’s staggering to me that people would go on a date sourced online and not fully read that person’s profile. Sure, we can be in a hurry and miss a few facts, but I believe (thanks to my bestie from College who’s a third grade NYC School Teacher whose responsibilities include teaching reading comprehension to children) that reading comprehension is not an impossible task… if you REALLY want to learn about someone.

Think of reading your online date’s profile as a prelude to the novel that is your date. The date is where you listen, ask and share, and based on that you’ll decide if you want to keep on reading.

Besides being an absolute jerk regarding the future demise of my furry beasts, what Paul really said was that he didn’t care enough to really learn about me. That’s pretty much a deal breaker in itself. Questioning the lifespan of a dachshund was simply icing on the deal breaker cake.

***Be sure to follow me on Twitter (@CraigRogersNYC) and please take a moment to like the 1FineD8 Facebook page (www.facebook.com/1FineD8)!***

D8 with the Fitting Room Guy

#breakup, #breakuprecovery, #Date, #dating, #datingadvice, #datingfail, #firstdate, #infidelity, #JDate, #marriedmen, #match.com, #onlinedating, #relationships, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Using online dating websites as a source for meeting eligible singles is, in theory, one of the best conveniences of modern time. Shopping for a potential date can now occur in the convenience of your home, or perhaps on the train as you commute into Manhattan. Online dating websites allow us to flirt while in our pajamas or in between meetings during the workday. Looking at profiles is really no different than looking at what color shorts are the must have summer fashion item from Lordandtaylor.com.

Online dating is as easy as buying a pair of shorts from Lordandtaylor.com, but what exactly is on the shopping list of the other online shoppers?

According to Match.com, Joel and I were a 100% match. After reading his profile, Joel reading mine, and the three-day marathon of texting and phone conversations we totally agreed. We really had only one difference- our favorite cardio activity. Joel was a runner. He runs almost daily, and participates in four marathons yearly. Whereas I, the man who saves running for train catching, am much more of a Spin Class guy. Joel would rather die than take a Spin Class. We agreed that our gym habits and physical training initiatives were not a deal breaker (and we each were grateful that we both saw importance in staying fit).

We met in Manhattan on a warm spring Saturday evening for dinner. So warm that when offered an outdoor table at one of my favorite French bistros, we jumped at it. Being with Joel was very refreshing. There was a level of excitement in the air because we were finally meeting, but overall the vibe was calm. The conversation flowed perfectly, much like the flow of people that turn off their computers opting to flow through the doors of Lord and Taylor on a Shopper’s Day sale.

From my favorite gougeres (cheesy poofs, but French!) to the perfectly cooked filet burger, the date was fantastic. As the date came to an end, there seemed to be a strange uneasiness that came over Joel. It was almost like he was laughing and having fun one moment, and then it was as if the gun fired to signal the beginning of a marathon and he was ready to hit the pavement. The end was abrupt, and not one bit reflective of the date. I was totally baffled by my goodbye with Joel- did I do something off-putting? Say something offensive?

The next morning I checked email, and there was a message from Joel…

Craig-  I really had a great time with you last night. You’re everything I though you’d be and more.  I haven’t  been honest with you. I’m not available to be in a relationship because I’m already in one. I thought I was ready to leave, but I’m not.  You’re going to make some very lucky man a fantastic partner- Joel

At least I know it wasn’t my breath.

We all want that perfect fit when it comes to 1FineD8
We all want that perfect fit when it comes to 1FineD8

1Gr8Lesson

I’ve given a lot of thought to what dating really is. Dating is part discovery, part fun and all interview. We’re spending time with someone to see if it’s a mutual fit that could have the durability to last a lifetime, like a good pair of Wellies. We use online dating as a tool because it’s easy, but there are many risks that come with it.

Your intention may be to see if you can find the one that’s a perfect fit. Their intention may be something totally different.

Joel wasn’t trying me on for a potential relationship. Joel was trying on what it would be like to be single again. From our conversations, he talked about his “Ex” in a rather unflattering way, providing many examples from chemical dependency to lack of affection. The descriptions alone were definitely reasons to end a relationship, which is what I thought Joel did quite some time ago. Unfortunately, Joel had not reached that point where he wanted to sever the cord that ties him to his partner.

On paper and in theory, Joel was a pretty perfect fit for me, but to him I was an experiment to see if being on the dating scene would be a fit.

Before the Joel-Bashing begins, we need to acknowledge that he did have the courage to come clean regarding the deception. It would have been nice if he would have done that prior to sharing a basket of gougeres, but at least he explained why he acted the way he did at the end of the date. He could have simply said that he didn’t feel a connection or that he downright didn’t like me. In the end, he chose the truth and I respect that. Knowing the truth certainly doesn’t diminish the sad feeling of “damn… and he was a good one too!”.

It does serve as a reminder to those of us that partake in online dating. Sure it’s easy, but sometimes what we order online doesn’t arrive on our doorstep in the right style, the right cut or the right fit. If those shorts from LordandTaylor.com don’t work for us, we simply return them, look online until we find something we like as much or better, and take our chances and click “pay”. We don’t take it personally; we just keep shopping.

We need to remember that the same rule applies to online dating.

1FineWebsite- swEXPERTS!

#agedifference, #breakup, #breakuprecovery, #Date, #dating, #datingadvice, #datingandage, #datingfail, #divorvce, #infidelity, #marriage, #onlinedating, #relationships, Breakups, , , , , , , , , ,

I’m so happy to announce that I’m contributing to a FANTASTIC website, swEXPERTS!  This UK-based site is a one-stop resource for all things relationship.  From processing a break-up to dating to sex, swEXPERTS is a fantastic place to learn some points of view that may just speak to you!

Here are links to my first three articles for swEXPERTS- please check them out and let me know what you think!  For updates, please follow me on Twitter (@craigrogersNYC) and swEXPERTS (@SWEXPERTS)!

Enjoy!

10Finger

http://www.theswexperts.com/the-ten-fingered-cheat/

PicImperfect

http://www.theswexperts.com/picture-imperfect/

time-machine

http://www.theswexperts.com/time-machine/