Tag Archives: JDate

D8 with the Man without a Face

#Date, #dating, #datingadvice, #datingandage, #datingfail, #datingprofile, #datingvideo, #Eharmony, #firstdate, #firstdateadvice, #JDate, #match.com, #okcupid, #onlinedating, #relationshipadvice, #relationships, #Tinder, #TinderFail, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Photos play an integral part in online dating success, and the photo of “Ed” left a lot to be desired. I could see a camel, a lot of sand and a little spot of a man riding the camel. It was the only picture “Ed” posted in his very well written profile. Because of his ability with words, I decided I would respond to his email.

“Ed” was a good conversationalist in the online chat, however he seemed to be very guarded and rather nervous. My experience told me that when a man exhibits extreme cautious communication, he’s most likely in a relationship and looking for some side action. “Ed” swore he was single; his challenge is that he is deeply closeted. His guard was up stronger than the Royal Guard on point at Buckingham Palace. In spite of holding his cards closely, I learned that we did have some things in common and he was within the age range of my dating pool.

Is the fact that “Ed” was so deeply in the closet a reason not to go on a date with him?

I agreed to meet him for a drink at the rooftop at the Peninsula, one of my favorite hotel bars in Manhattan. The spot of a man riding a camel turned out to be quite dashing, complete with a winning, welcoming smile. The conversation with “Ed” was very pedestrian- travel, food, and Manhattan neighborhoods. Nothing too deep, until I decided to grab my trusty shovel.

“So “Ed”, you seem to be rather guarded. Witness protection, huh?”

“Oh no… I’m just not out. Nobody knows I’m gay,” he responded with a nervous chuckle.

“You might be surprised. Good looking single man in his 50s can set off the “bet he’s gay” alarm”, I responded. “Besides, it really doesn’t matter because you’re on a gay dating site and it’s 2016 so there’s really no reason to be fearful.”

“I disagree. People think I’m straight, and I like that.”

“I see. And you like that. Is your name really “Ed”?”

He didn’t answer, which I believe was an answer. “Ed” didn’t budge in his resolve; he set up residency in his closet and he wasn’t coming out for me or for anyone.

an illustration of a faceless man in a business suit
Putting your best face forward on a date means allowing your date to see you both inside and out.

I FineLesson

As we wrap up Pride Month, it makes me sad that there are some gay people out there that still can’t publicly own the fact that they’re gay. It makes me sad to acknowledge that there are some people- regardless of sexual orientation- that aren’t fully embracing the magic that is them. It just makes me sad that people don’t embrace their own personal truth, whatever that truth may be.

If we can’t love ourselves, how can we fully expect to find someone to love us?

I know I’m sounding a little like RuPaul, but it’s a message that needs constant repeating. When beginning your journey in the dating scene, you need to do so with a full arsenal. By that, daters need to enter the arena knowing with certainty that they’re already in love with themselves. Daters need to embrace every facet of themselves, from their looks to their career. Self-love leads to confidence, and confidence is key.

Dating is really no different than selling. You’ve got to believe in the product that is you, or you’re going to remain on the shelf.

“Ed” obviously doesn’t fully believe in his product. He doesn’t accept himself on a basic level, and with that he will likely remain alone on the long term. Unless he finds someone identical in mindset, I believe he will likely remain single.

My hope is that all daters believe in the product that is them. Believe it so much that you deeply want to shout it from a rooftop. Trust me, it may take some time, but the perfect customer will hear.

D8 with the Man (next) Whore

#coffee, #Date, #dating, #datingadvice, #datingfail, #datingprofile, #Eharmony, #firstdate, #firstdateadvice, #JDate, #match.com, #okcupid, #onenightstand, #onlinedating, #relationshipadvice, #relationships, #Tinder, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

My last couple months have been dedicated to the adventures of moving and setting up a new home. Going on dates was back burnered for the main activities of organizing my new kitchen and painting every room. The only conversations I had with men were those burly straight guys at Home Depot on the ready with advice on paint, flooring and lighting. Granted, they were great guys displaying an exceptional commitment to my purchases but were not likely interested in enjoying the view of my antique chandelier that hangs right above my bed.

As spring temperatures quickly turned to that of summer, I received a notification from OK Cupid that I had a message from an interested suitor. Howard’s profile was very nice- a little different from others I had dated. He wasn’t tall, didn’t work in Manhattan, and owned a cat. He wasn’t the best looking or most stylish, but there was something about Howard that just made him… dare I say… exceptionally sexy. And here’s the kicker… Howard lives within walking distance from my new home.

Seeing that this very well may be the new gay version of Welcome Wagon, how could I not respond?

Howard and I exchanged a few flirty text messages; enough to prove that a date with him was definitely worth the time away from a paintbrush and unpacking boxes. We decided to meet up at my StarOffice- the Starbucks in Westfield.

“You live down the street, I’ll pick you up or you can pick me up,” suggested Howard.

“Great thinking,” I responded. “Happy to pick you up!”

I went to Howard’s at our agreed-upon time. It was an easy drive, seeing that I’ve driven by his house countless times three mornings a week at 5am on my way to spin class. Seeing Howard in person was very interesting. He was still not the most handsome, not the best dresser, and a little chubby. But man, he was pretty damned sexy.

“Where did you park?”

“Right there- on the street.”

“You could have parked in the driveway, silly.”

From doorway to car to Starbucks and back, Howard and I talked nonstop. He was very smart, funny, and didn’t miss a beat in the conversation. One beat in particular stood out as most interesting…

“So Howard, why do you think you’re still single?”

“I’m in no rush to settle down- when it happens, it happens. If it happens.”

“Good answer… but it can be lonely sometimes being single. How do you deal with that?”

“I never get lonely. I have lots of… friends.”

I thought to myself, I have lots of friends too. But based on his tone I think his “friends” may bring a little extra to the table than mine…

After a very pleasant goodnight kiss in his driveway, Howard invited me in. I declined because I knew exactly where that would lead. Howard understood.  I suggested we get together again. Howard totally agreed.

And I totally never heard from Howard again.

Cars-6
Be it oil stains on the driveway or notches on a bedpost, It’s up to you whether you want to be a conquest or a keeper.

I FineLesson

The interesting thing about a first date with the man next door is what happens when you don’t have a second date. You ask yourself, “What happens when I run into him at the local grocery?” or “What happens if we’re at the same neighborhood party?”. It could prove awkward, to say the least. Even without a post-first date run in, I still had to drive by his house three days a week.

What did I see three mornings a week at 5am? A driveway with a different car parked in it every time… sometimes multiple cars.

Seems Howard’s driveway sees more traffic than the exit ramp to Terminal C at Newark Liberty Airport.

Howard was in no hurry to settle down because he was getting more action than a Baldwin Brother in the 90’s. And you know what? Good for him! It was the perfect relationship for Howard, and he was obviously happy. Does Howard’s idea of a relationship mirror mine? Absolutely not, but it doesn’t make Howard a bad person.

When it comes to relationships, everyone has expectations and ideas as to what a relationship means. The key is finding that someone with expectations and ideas that come pretty damned close to yours.

Obviously Howard wasn’t a match, but thanks to the first thing he said on our date and his intention at the end, I know without doubt that I was given an invitation to park my car in his driveway. It was my choice not to park.

I’m more than happy with my resolve to keep driving until I find that parking place that says “Reserved”.

D8 with Mona Lisa Vito’s Brother

#dating, #datingadvice, #datingfail, #datingprofile, #Eharmony, #family, #firstdate, #firstdateadvice, #gaymarriage, #JDate, #marriage, #match.com, #okcupid, #onlinedating, #relationshipadvice, #relationships, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Tick… Tick… Tick…

We all have a friend that’s dying to have a baby. Some of those friends are in their mid-30s, and they feel the pressure of time on their shoulders as well as their unoccupied uterus. Married, single, in a committed relationship… it really doesn’t matter these days. What matters is that there’s no baby where a baby should be. This was never expressed so perfectly than by Marisa Tomei playing the role of Mona Lisa Vito in My Cousin Vinny. If you close your eyes you can still see the image of her violently tapping her foot violently while saying, “My biological clock is TICKING LIKE THIS!”

Here’s a news flash for Mona Lisa Vito… it’s just not women with a ticking biological clock. It happens to men too.

I’ve always had a soft spot for tall, blond and beefy, and Troy answered that description to a tee. We met online, and our fantastic banter led to a lunch date. He was also 50, and like me enjoys daily gym visits and has aged quite well. It was no surprise that we’d choose grabbing a salad at Chopt for our date.

The conversation was a lot of fun. His family, my family; his career, my career; his friends, my friends… it was a seamless exchange and quite fun until… he revealed himself as Mr. Vito, Mona Lisa’s brother…

“I really want children. Soon.”

“Ok,” I said. “Adopting an older child?”

“No, biological. One of mine and one of my husband’s… at least two.”

This was not the time to take a bite of the Chopt pita bread with a swipe of Tex-Mex Ranch Dressing. I almost choked.

“I see. And you want to do this… soon?”

“Absolutely- we’re not getting any younger!”

I quickly changed the subject. It’s not that I don’t like children- I really do. My parental friends know their kids love spending time with me. That enjoyment is quite reciprocal. I know I would have made a kick-ass Pop. I would have excelled in fatherhood, however I never wanted to do it alone. Looking at my past relationships I would have never entertained bringing a kid into the mix. Neither of my Exs were not interested in having a family outside of the two of us, or they would have been absentee on every level to the point that I would be parenting alone.

But in this case with Troy, it wasn’t having a family that made me change the subject. It was the idea of having a date, a boyfriend, a fiancée, a marriage and a baby in the time it takes to prepare a package of Stove Stop Stuffing.

We said our goodbyes, and I never saw Troy again. We texted a couple times, but scheduling a second date just didn’t happen. Who knows… perhaps one day I’ll see him and his gorgeous husband pushing a pram. I just hope they’re happy.

Roll 2
Before you buy the T-shirt, better make sure it’s a perfect fit.

 

I FineLesson

Since I was a kid, I’ve been a major fan of chocolate pudding. My dear friend Alice turned me on to Kozy Shack (it’s pretty darned tasty), and before that I was a big supporter of Jello Instant. It wasn’t until I had chocolate pudding made from scratch that I was rather blown away by the richness and flavor.

If it takes time and stirring to make a perfect pudding, why would you take shortcuts on something as important as your relationship?

Regardless of the motivator, having an instant relationship isn’t a smart move if you want that relationship to have staying power. Building blocks and foundations aren’t created overnight, nor are they created in two weeks or a month. Relationships with the flavor of a homemade chocolate pudding require time and stirring.

There’s no reason to settle for a relationship with a good flavor when you have the tool of time on your side to make that flavor great.

This especially holds true if you’re planning to make pudding for four or more. If not for yourself and your partner, at least consider those building blocks for your future family. Nothing requires deep and sturdy roots more than a family tree- plant that tree and enjoy every moment watching it grow.

D8 with the Snazzy Sweater

#Date, #dating, #datingadvice, #datingfail, #firstdate, #firstdateadvice, #JDate, #match.com, #relationships, , , , , , , , , , ,

At the beginning of Summer, I made the decision and the suggestion to consider taking a break from online dating and try to meet people in “real life, in-person situations”. Summer has turned to Autumn and as I slowly trade my shorts for my sweaters, I’m continuing the offline mission.

A recent Friday night of mine was booked with Jackson. I met this man at Gym Bar, a Manhattan hangout complete with a pool table, televisions set to sports channels and men in outfits ranging from suits to workout attire. When it comes to meeting a diverse group of men, a gay sports bar is a sure ticket that will hopefully lead to Dateville.

Jackson definitely stood out in a crowd. With a full beard and standing at 6’5”, Jackson was an eye catcher, and a poster child for lumberjack hotness. We had a nice conversation- definitely not the flirtiest or the funniest- but it was nice conversation. Maybe it was the sparkle in his eye or maybe the hint of a Southern accent, but there was something definitely interesting about him. He asked me to dinner, and of course my answer was yes.

As I was walking on that crisp Friday night to the restaurant to meet him, I thought about our past conversation. I could remember very little…. was this a bad sign?

Jackson was every bit as handsome as I remembered. And tall… very, very tall. We sat down, ordered our meal, and the waiter walking away was our cue to begin an exciting and stimulating conversation. Within two minutes I was bored.

I made several attempts to get the conversation going. “Tell me about your job”… “What are your favorite things to do in Manhattan?”… “Any fun summer vacations?”… His answers to all were rather dull, lacking enthusiasm and personality.

It wasn’t until I asked “How long have you lived in New York?” that things got somewhat interesting. Jackson arrived in the 90’s too, and this took our conversation to Manhattan of the 90’s, which is always interesting to me. We talked about restaurants like Universal Bar and Grill and bars like Splash and Private Eyes. When I mentioned Club USA, he smiled and said that he was a bouncer there.

Figures he was a bouncer- tall, good-looking and a man of very few words.

When the waiter asked if we wanted to try one of their pumpkin spice desserts, I said no and asked for the check. We paid and left. Jackson gave me hug and headed East and I made my way Uptown. It wasn’t said, but like the cool breeze that was bringing Fall to Manhattan, it was obvious that this was in no way a love connection.

Lots of sweaters from which to choose... sometimes you have to try on several before finding the perfect fit.
Lots of sweaters from which to choose… Sometimes you have to try on several before finding the perfect fit.

1Gr8Lesson

Dating is a lot like shopping for sweaters. Sometimes we see a wool sweater with a fantastically attractive design. It beckons us to try it on, and when we do we discover the sweater fits a little on the baggy side. Then we spot a nice blue V-neck, a total classic yet simple staple that never goes out of style.

Do we walk by the V-neck or do we give it a chance?

I wanted a date with Jackson just because he was great looking. I was guilty of trying on the amazing sweater, and at the time I made no apologies for it. I still make no apologies, even though my choice in sweater made me itch from boredom. By choosing the great looking Jackson, it made me wonder if I overlooked a sweater that might not have been as snazzy but may have been more my style.

It’s easy to get caught up in the exterior appearance of a potential date. Who wouldn’t want to walk into a party with a model or an athlete? The challenge is finding that person with the external looks that jazz us, but also with the smarts and the heart that keeps us interested.

The next time you’re “date shopping”- be it online or out in the field, keep in mind the whole package of a potential date. Maybe your future date is the snazzy sweater, or perhaps if you keep looking through the displays you’ll find that classic V-neck that’s just the right fit.

1FineArticle… SW Experts!

#Date, #dating, #datingadvice, #marriage, #match.com, #poly, #polyamorous, #Threesomes, #Throuple, , , , , , , , ,

Kindly check out my latest article on SW Experts!  Have you ever considered being part of a throuple?  If twice is nice, then what happens if your relationship involves three?  Here are four must-knows before you buy two Valentines!

What are your thoughts on being in a polyamorous relationship?  Let me know!

And for updates, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter!  @CraigRogersNYC  And I’ll follow you back because I want to know all about your 1FineD8!

Throuple

four-things-to-know-before-you-throuple

D8 with the Trigger Finger

#breakup, #breakuprecovery, #Date, #dating, #datingadvice, #datingfail, #datingprofile, #firstdate, #JDate, #match.com, #relationshipadvice, #relationships, #Tinder, #TinderFail, Breakup Advice, Breakups, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Mickey Roark and Kim Basinger showed us that you can really jam a lot into 9½ Weeks. I recently learned firsthand how possible it is to fit quite a bit into that time frame, however I can safely say that Mickey (as John) and Kim (as Elizabeth) had a much better time.

It’s always a good thing to have a summer boyfriend, and Gregory entered my picture in late April- precisely the right time to make that goal happen. He was unlike anyone I’ve ever dated… the stereotype of the jaded New Yorker. A little on the quiet side, a lot on the grumpy side, but when he smiled he lit up the room. I really enjoyed spending time with Gregory because under the hard exterior was a soft creamy center that was wanting to see the light of day.

About two weeks into dating, Gregory suggested we be exclusive. I was totally down with that, seeing that I know my shortcomings and juggling isn’t one of my strong suits. With two weeks down and exclusivity on the table, I figured I accomplished the impossible… I scored a summer boyfriend!

With time comes knowledge, and as the days turned into weeks, I learned a lot about Gregory. Some great things, and some not so great things about this funny grumpster came to light.

When it comes to learning about the not so great things about your date, how do you handle it when the bad outweighs the good?

As three weeks turned into seven, Gregory started to be a little more grumpy and a lot less funny. He became more of a homebody and less interested in exploring the fun offerings of a New York summer. As seven weeks turned into nine, he was barely interested in doing anything, and conversational topics were always with a negative slant. Be it the news or his career, nothing seemed to make Gregory smile that winning smile that one me over weeks before.

Let’s be honest, in nine weeks Gregory learned things about me he didn’t like either. He hated my work schedule, and the fact I was a dedicated workaholic that enjoys being busy. He didn’t like my perkiness in the morning, and that my perkiness tended to increase with each cup of Starbucks I enjoyed during the day. He really disliked my desire to enjoy a cigarette or ten, even though I never smoked in front of him.

And let’s be honest about one more thing… I knew it was time to pull the trigger and part ways with Gregory. The “how” was the tedious part.

Thankfully Gregory pulled the trigger first. Over a beer in a bar, he said that we shouldn’t see each other. Granted, I was rather surprised he pulled the trigger first because taking initiative wasn’t one of his strong suits since week two of our relationship. I wished him the best of luck and bolted.

As I walked away I knew he wasn’t like John in 9½ Weeks in many ways, but specifically in wanting me to turn around in 50 seconds. The only person that wanted me to keep walking more than Gregory was actually me.

I was definitely not Elizabeth. Not a tear was shed as I walked on that lively Manhattan street. I smiled to myself, knowing that I had what it takes to invest in a new relationship, but also had the smarts not to settle for a someone that’s the wrong one.

Pulling the trigger may end something, but it signifies the beginning of your new search for 1FineD8!
Pulling the trigger may end something, but it signifies the beginning of your new search for 1FineD8!

1FineLesson

Kenny Rogers said it best… “You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em. Know when to fold ’em.  Know when to walk away, and know when to run.”

As we begin a relationship journey with a prospective “forever partner”, the learning process is one that’s longer than just ten dates. It may even be longer than ten months. The process of discovering the intricacies and building a bond with someone is an important one that shouldn’t be shortchanged. It’s not like test driving a car or trying on a shirt. This process is one that you’re entering into with lifetime intentions.

As we learn more and more about a prospective life mate, it’s without question that we’ll discover aspects that don’t thrill us. We will see them grumpy, sad and even sometimes under the weather- things typically not experienced on the first few dates. We will see how they handle stress, celebrate joy, and if they leave the toothpaste cap open or closed. We will learn how they interact with their friends and family, and we’ll get to hear how they interact with strangers as they meet your friends and family.

Here’s the challenge… how many of those “not so great aspects” does it take to create a “not so great partner”?

This is where I have no concrete answer for you because it’s an answer that only you can determine. There will always be things about our partners that irritate us, but at the end of the day, their body of work supersedes the handful of things we don’t like. But if those not so great things outweigh the positives, then you have no choice to make like the Gambler and walk away.

And don’t make the mistake of thinking that walking away is a defeat.  

You gave it your all, and if you didn’t invest the time in the person you would never know if they were or were not the one. I don’t look at my 9½-week investment in Gregory as time poorly spent or a colossal mistake. It was a necessary thing to see if he was someone with which I could build a future. He wasn’t, and pulling the trigger is the ticket to finding a new someone that will make my heart go “bang”!

1FineArticle… Smarter Dating!

#Date, #dating, #datingadvice, #datingfail, #datingprofile, #firstdate, #JDate, #match.com, #onlinedating, #Tinder, #TinderFail, , , , , , , , ,

Check out the article I wrote for Smarter Dating!

Has your date earned a 4-F classification? Find out what a 4-F is,  and get some ideas as to how you respond!

Let me know how you’ve handled a 4-F!

http://www.smarterdating.co.uk/encountering-the-4-f-date/

D8 with Another Accidental Single Guy

#breakuprecovery, #Date, #dating, #datingadvice, #datingprofile, #firstdate, #JDate, #marriage, #match.com, #onlinedating, #relationshipadvice, #relationships, , , , , , , , ,

We all have takeaways from our previous relationships. If you think about it, I’m confident you can find at least one positive thing your Ex has given you. For me, my first Ex facilitated my having the best brownie recipe known to man. My second taught me a love for dachshunds so intense that I would most likely never own any other breed. My last Ex gave me something a little less personal, but oh, so important. He taught me the necessity to load every single news App to my iPhone, and allow them to send me breaking news updates.

One such update came across while I was teaching a Spin class on a Friday night. After class, I looked at the message- all NJ Transit Trains are subject to 90-minute delays.

I could either spend at least 90-minutes in Penn Station… or I could go for a drink…

I opted for a drink, and took the subway uptown to the perfect after work hangout. Upon ordering a beer, I immediately became part of a conversation about dogs and back surgery (been there/done that with my dachshund, Thalheimer). Seems one of the guys at the bar has a dog that had surgery the day before. As we discussed everything from post-op care to the necessity of liver treats, a third man joined the conversation.

Enter the Accidental Single Guy… and hot dog, he was cute!

We continued the conversation, and a couple more men entered the dialogue. At that point, this newfound man and I splintered off the dachshund talk and began our own conversation. He said that he was in the neighborhood for a meeting that cancelled, which was the only reason he popped in for a drink. One topic led to another, and then to another… and then to “What do you say we get out of here and grab dinner?”

It was over dinner that I had to keep reminding myself one important thing about this accidental date… it’s a guy I met in real time.

My accidental date has never seen my online dating profile, and I’ve never seen his (if he even has one). The base line of common knowledge was at zero, so we had to start from scratch. It was fun and rather “retro” to be learning about someone in person as opposed to online. In doing so, I realized that old school dating was totally refreshing. Not knowing anything about my date and learning things about him was exciting, almost like Columbus discovering the New World.

After dinner, my accidental date and I exchanged numbers and email addresses. We used them, and my accidental date morphed into an intentional one. Who knows what will develop; at this stage in the game it’s too early to tell.

But it’s not too soon to know that some accidents have the most pleasurable outcome.

There's nothing more lonely than a track with no agenda. Try a new agenda and get your train rolling with Retro-Dating!
There’s nothing more lonely than a track with no agenda. Try a new agenda and get your train rolling with Retro-Dating!

1Gr8Lesson

Sometimes we get caught up with being online. How can we not? It’s super easy, and there’s a fun rush you get with each “beep” notification that someone on Match or JDate is interested. The ease and the rush can take over, and you find yourself attached to your iPhone and detached from the world around you. Perhaps it’s time to give your texting fingers a break and put your voice to work in the real world.

My Accidental Date motivated me to take an unexpected summer holiday. I’m taking a vacation from online dating.

Vacations are all about experiencing something new, something fresh, and in this case something a bit retro. Taking a summer sojourn from online dating will take me out of the comfort zone and force me to cultivate dates the old fashioned way.

Cancelling my online subscriptions was painless, and the best part is that if I decide to go back online, my profiles are saved and ready for any tweaking before reactivation. Now for the not so easy part… how to cultivate those prospective dates.

Here’s a short list of ideas to pursue to get your retro dating vacation started:

  • Tell your friends that you’re available for a fun fix-up. They know you, and they know other singles or people that do. Who knows? Not every friend is a good matchmaker, but you may just strike it lucky.
  • Put your smart phone on mute and go out! Don’t even think of touching your phone while you’re in that bar, lounge or restaurant!
  • Take a look at some activities in your community that you enjoy doing. From concerts to art exhibits to baseball games, you’ll have fun doing something you like while putting yourself in a place where you might meet someone single with similar interests.

Come on! Join me on my vacation!

There’s nothing to lose by taking a break from online dating. Like all vacations, Retro-Dating may give you a day that is sunny and perfect and another where it’s a little overcast and drizzly. But can’t you say the same for online dating? Giving your online profile a break and your real-time personality a time to shine might just get you the best vacation souvenir yet… you might just score 1FineD8!

D8 with Dr. Kavorkian

#dachshunds, #Date, #dating, #datingadvice, #datingfail, #datingprofile, #firstdate, #JDate, #match.com, #onlinedating, #relationships, #Tinder, #TinderFail, , , , , , , , , ,

I confess… one standout in Paul’s JDate profile was that he owned a shoe company. Besides being cute, he was involved in something I love almost as much as shirts. And I also confess that besides his work in an industry where I would gladly accept samples or a substantial discount, he seemed like a perfect date for me. I sent him a message of interest, and he responded immediately. Plans for a drink were promptly made.

Now that I was going on a date with the Shoe Guy, what shoes should I wear?

I agreed to meet at a cute bar in the West Village. Paul was very handsome; his pictures didn’t do him one bit of justice. We ordered a couple beers and started a very fun conversation. In a short amount of time, we discussed our high school years (he was totally Blaine in Pretty in Pink), our college years (he was totally Pinto in Animal House) and what our overall New York experience has been (and mine was by far much more interesting). Of course, we talked about shoes. He liked my Cole-Haan loafers.

We were laughing and never missing a beat in the conversation except to order another round of beers. About an hour into our date, Paul asked me about travel. He said that he loves visiting Europe and Asia for work, but he’d rather be on a beach. Just one more thing we had in common.

“So where was your last vacation?” Paul asked. “Wow… I guess it was last month when loaded the boys in the car and drove to visit my parents in Pinehurst.” I responded.

With that, our conversation missed a beat… actually two heartbeats.

“You have kids?” asked a puzzled Paul. I was even more puzzled at the question, as my profile says I have no kids, but I do have two dachshunds.

“Only of the furry variety. I have two dachshunds”

“Oh… I had no idea you had dogs.”

“I mention them in my profile. Didn’t you see that?”

“Hmmm…. guessed I missed that.”

And with that, the shoe dropped. It was the first silent moment of our date. I took a really big sip of my beer, before I eliminated the silence and asked the next question. “I take it you don’t like dogs?” There was nothing that could prepare me for his answer.

“How old are yours, and what is the life expectancy of a dachshund?”

I think at that moment I might have had a mini stroke, not that I need any neurological reason or excuse to explain my lack of censorship in my speech.

“You didn’t just fucking ask me that.”

At this point the shoe man was shaking in his boots. “Well…. I’m not a fan of dogs,” he said. Not everyone likes dogs, and that’s ok, but to bring up life expectancy to one who does is a fatal error when that one is your date.

“Well I’m not a fan of planning their cremation. I did that once in the last year already, and I’m hopefully done for a while.”

“You had THREE?” he asked, seemingly in shock that some people do own more than one dog. At that point I was done with answers, done with questions, and done with Paul.

“You know, Paul, I’m really glad you liked my pictures, but I’m a little sad that you didn’t really read my profile… or at least comprehend what you read.”

And with that, I walked out of the cute West Village bar. I couldn’t help but smile thinking about how I would be soon greeted with wagging tails, licks and barks by my two little guys who aren’t really into shoes.

We were here first, and we're not going anywhere!
We were here first, and we’re not going anywhere!

1Gr8Lesson

Dachshunds are short, and so it the lesson of this not so fine date…

If you’re using an online dating site as a tool to meet people, read their profile. If you like them, make like Santa Claus and check out the profile twice!

It’s staggering to me that people would go on a date sourced online and not fully read that person’s profile. Sure, we can be in a hurry and miss a few facts, but I believe (thanks to my bestie from College who’s a third grade NYC School Teacher whose responsibilities include teaching reading comprehension to children) that reading comprehension is not an impossible task… if you REALLY want to learn about someone.

Think of reading your online date’s profile as a prelude to the novel that is your date. The date is where you listen, ask and share, and based on that you’ll decide if you want to keep on reading.

Besides being an absolute jerk regarding the future demise of my furry beasts, what Paul really said was that he didn’t care enough to really learn about me. That’s pretty much a deal breaker in itself. Questioning the lifespan of a dachshund was simply icing on the deal breaker cake.

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D8 with the Fitting Room Guy

#breakup, #breakuprecovery, #Date, #dating, #datingadvice, #datingfail, #firstdate, #infidelity, #JDate, #marriedmen, #match.com, #onlinedating, #relationships, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Using online dating websites as a source for meeting eligible singles is, in theory, one of the best conveniences of modern time. Shopping for a potential date can now occur in the convenience of your home, or perhaps on the train as you commute into Manhattan. Online dating websites allow us to flirt while in our pajamas or in between meetings during the workday. Looking at profiles is really no different than looking at what color shorts are the must have summer fashion item from Lordandtaylor.com.

Online dating is as easy as buying a pair of shorts from Lordandtaylor.com, but what exactly is on the shopping list of the other online shoppers?

According to Match.com, Joel and I were a 100% match. After reading his profile, Joel reading mine, and the three-day marathon of texting and phone conversations we totally agreed. We really had only one difference- our favorite cardio activity. Joel was a runner. He runs almost daily, and participates in four marathons yearly. Whereas I, the man who saves running for train catching, am much more of a Spin Class guy. Joel would rather die than take a Spin Class. We agreed that our gym habits and physical training initiatives were not a deal breaker (and we each were grateful that we both saw importance in staying fit).

We met in Manhattan on a warm spring Saturday evening for dinner. So warm that when offered an outdoor table at one of my favorite French bistros, we jumped at it. Being with Joel was very refreshing. There was a level of excitement in the air because we were finally meeting, but overall the vibe was calm. The conversation flowed perfectly, much like the flow of people that turn off their computers opting to flow through the doors of Lord and Taylor on a Shopper’s Day sale.

From my favorite gougeres (cheesy poofs, but French!) to the perfectly cooked filet burger, the date was fantastic. As the date came to an end, there seemed to be a strange uneasiness that came over Joel. It was almost like he was laughing and having fun one moment, and then it was as if the gun fired to signal the beginning of a marathon and he was ready to hit the pavement. The end was abrupt, and not one bit reflective of the date. I was totally baffled by my goodbye with Joel- did I do something off-putting? Say something offensive?

The next morning I checked email, and there was a message from Joel…

Craig-  I really had a great time with you last night. You’re everything I though you’d be and more.  I haven’t  been honest with you. I’m not available to be in a relationship because I’m already in one. I thought I was ready to leave, but I’m not.  You’re going to make some very lucky man a fantastic partner- Joel

At least I know it wasn’t my breath.

We all want that perfect fit when it comes to 1FineD8
We all want that perfect fit when it comes to 1FineD8

1Gr8Lesson

I’ve given a lot of thought to what dating really is. Dating is part discovery, part fun and all interview. We’re spending time with someone to see if it’s a mutual fit that could have the durability to last a lifetime, like a good pair of Wellies. We use online dating as a tool because it’s easy, but there are many risks that come with it.

Your intention may be to see if you can find the one that’s a perfect fit. Their intention may be something totally different.

Joel wasn’t trying me on for a potential relationship. Joel was trying on what it would be like to be single again. From our conversations, he talked about his “Ex” in a rather unflattering way, providing many examples from chemical dependency to lack of affection. The descriptions alone were definitely reasons to end a relationship, which is what I thought Joel did quite some time ago. Unfortunately, Joel had not reached that point where he wanted to sever the cord that ties him to his partner.

On paper and in theory, Joel was a pretty perfect fit for me, but to him I was an experiment to see if being on the dating scene would be a fit.

Before the Joel-Bashing begins, we need to acknowledge that he did have the courage to come clean regarding the deception. It would have been nice if he would have done that prior to sharing a basket of gougeres, but at least he explained why he acted the way he did at the end of the date. He could have simply said that he didn’t feel a connection or that he downright didn’t like me. In the end, he chose the truth and I respect that. Knowing the truth certainly doesn’t diminish the sad feeling of “damn… and he was a good one too!”.

It does serve as a reminder to those of us that partake in online dating. Sure it’s easy, but sometimes what we order online doesn’t arrive on our doorstep in the right style, the right cut or the right fit. If those shorts from LordandTaylor.com don’t work for us, we simply return them, look online until we find something we like as much or better, and take our chances and click “pay”. We don’t take it personally; we just keep shopping.

We need to remember that the same rule applies to online dating.